The Summer of Molly

Obertraun, Austria // Hallstätter See

Heyyyy, Molly here. It's been a while, I know. I think I've honestly just been pretty unhappy for a while now, and haven't wanted to bore you with the details. And then a few months ago, someone asked me how I was doing and (totally surprising myself) I answered, "pretty fucking shitty." There it was, plain and simple, no made up hoopla about how amazing things were going for me. I told the truth. And in that moment, I decided to stop being so complacent with the status of my life.

So here we are, May 16, 2017, and I'm sitting on my friend's couch in Prague, having recently quit my job and flown overseas, feeling beyond excited to go home and start a new chapter. Feeling suddenly thankful for everything in my life; for the journey. Thankful for my (almost) 2 year old nephew, who despite his tantrums, constantly brings a smile to my face. For my family, who supports literally everything I do (not sure how I've gotten so lucky). For my circle of friends who span continents and cheer me on... and have been known to make me pee my pants laughing. For sunshine and mountains and croblihas (croissant-donuts). For weird jumpsuits we had to wear to tour salt mines and strangers who smiled at us on the street. For kittens and old dogs and bird whistles. For late night bowling alleys in Austria that serve killer pizza and mini-market Rosé. For fucking everything.

I don't think that this is all because of my new job, but more so because of my new outlook. I'M in the driver's seat. I'M steering the car. I'M choosing my own happiness.

Me, with the shit eating grin. So hey, if you see me smiling, most likely you should join in. Because I'm choosing not to waste my time with things that aren't worth every god damn second of it. So, let's do this together.





Now, it wouldn't be the blog of an overly detail-oriented, perfectionist, kinda lunatic, without a list! So here we go:

3 Month Goals

(Hey, I gotta start small ok?)

1. Learn the names of everyone I work with, staff and members. Learn a little tidbit about each and every one of them, because if Locals taught me one thing, it's that people feel so warm when they're remembered; when they're known.
2. Make a point to do at least one thing every week that's outside of the usual daily grind. Be it an outdoor concert, a road trip, a beach day, or a drag show. Something that wakes me up & helps me see myself/my friends/my community/the world.
3. Stop critiquing my body and start appreciating it for what it is. Since going to the gym a lot more over the past year, I've seen muscles I've never seen before, and definition that was never there. Yet I continually focus on the soft spots. Time to stop and embrace who I am. I'm strong, resilient, scarred/bruised(/really pale), and also, beautiful. Rail thin isn't who I am, who I'll ever be, and who I need to stop pretending I want to be.
4. Find a pupper. Be it a friend's dog I can take temporary custody of, a volunteer gig at a shelter, or better yet, one of my own. I've been wanting a canine companion for SO.MANY.YEARS. Time to make it happen. I'm ready.
5. Go on more than 2 dates with somebody before deciding that I don't want to be with them. No ones perfect, including me, and that isn't a conclusion that should end things for either side. I need to not only give other people a chance, but myself a chance too.
6. Find a language class or program to join into. I've been dying to continue my Spanish practice, and have always been enamored with learning some conversational German. What am I waiting for? Ahora es el tiempo, aquí es el lugar. Das kannst du deiner Oma erzählen.
7. Order dessert more often. It's always so good, and I rarely leave room for it. It's important to save space for life's sweet little endings.
8. Pick up the camera more. Take more photographs. Capture more of how beautiful life is. I never want to take away from a moment, but sacrificing a second of it in order to reminisce on it for hours: totally totally worth it.
9. Forgive everyone who's ever been a piece of sh*t. To me, or anyone else I care about. Holding grudges takes a lot of energy, and ***SHOCKER ALERT*** doesn't change anything about the person who hurt you. 
10. Spend more time in the sun. It cures so much more than we allow ourselves to believe. It cleanses, refreshes, and fills you back up. 

Here goes nothing!

Hallstätt, Austria // UNESCO World Heritage View

Scar Tissue

Every once in a while when I'm walking around I become suddenly aware of my hip... My hip that 3 years ago was fresh out of surgery and deep into physical therapy. I become jolted by how in-evident the trauma that was once so overwhelming is today. The human body's ability to sustain pain, injury, and simply put, hurt, is incredible. My limp is so far gone that I can't remember it existing. My sleepless nights spent twisting and turning in agony seem like a bad dream that I was shaken from as a child. My scar tissue is simply that: scar tissue. I'm different; I'm stronger.

While I was recovering from my (completely wretched, by the way) hip surgery, and then later from a break in my foot, I remember my doctors talking about scar tissue and rebuilt bone. One said, more poignantly than I'll be able to remember, that when part of you breaks, it rebuilds itself so carefully, and with such strength, that another break in the same spot is near impossible. The strength of a scar is astounding.

And, my scars are more than just from broken bones and rebuilt hips, but from something deeper, something more acute. I'm wounded from the boys who didn't like me back, from the friends who didn't care enough, from the strangers who didn't smile back, from the 'thank yous' I didn't get at work, from the interviews and call backs that went unanswered. I'm wounded from the times I've put myself on the line, and been knocked down. I often can't help but wonder if I'd be a different person had I been hurt less, or god forbid, more. Would I see the world differently? Is the way that I see it wrong? Or am I right where I'm meant to be?

Which is right here.

Right now.

Looking at a fork in the road and wondering which way I should go.

Staying where I am, for my own sanity, is no longer an option. And while continuing to search the world for purpose is an option, it doesn't feel like the right one, especially when I have so much purpose right where I am now.

So then theres the crossroads. It's a really lovely crossroads if I think about it too. To have two jobs that I feel passionate about both want ME feels really special. And a lot less wounded. And this sensation is so new that I can't help but lean onto my once-fragile right side and think, 'is that the hip that used to make my eyes water with pain?' 'did my hip get stronger or did I become stronger in order to help it recover?'

My scars, thats who I am. And with each one I became a little but more of who I needed to be, not just so that I would't hurt myself in that way again, but so that it wasn't an option. It's corny and it's said too much, and without enough heart, but, failure isn't an option. My scar tissue carefully wove itself together to make my soft spots invincible. I'm more today than I was yesterday, and I wouldn't have it any other way.