Showing posts with label Ramblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ramblings. Show all posts

Thursday, July 7, 2016

A Harsh Humble Brag (i.e. an argument between the voices in my head)

Insert sappy, sunset photo to elicit the feels.
So its been, what, 9 months since I've sat down and written anything? Clearly I went down the "bartend until I wither from lack of mental stimulation" route that I had warned about in my last post.  And fuck, it feels fucking terrible! Money is fine, my schedule is essentially my own to make, but god am I miserable.  Stress from work has somehow found a way to encroach on any happiness I find.  Now, thats not to say that I'm not just a miserable s-o-b, but somehow whenever I'm specifically in this line of work, at the same restaurant, everything feels "bleh." Do you know that I punched a tree last night? A fucking tree! Why? Because I felt like someone had injected novocaine into my entire life and it was all just kinda floating, out of my control. So what did I do? While walking home, I wound up, and punched the absolute shit out of a big bad tree.  Spoiler alert, the only thing that happened was that my hand was kinda sore after. Tree... still a tree. Life... still the same. But maybe it was a wake-up call to take some control over my happiness.  So here we go. I'm gonna start by obliterating the lies that I keep telling myself:

  1. Grad school apps are just so lengthy, that its taking me a while to complete them. BULLSHIT! I'm being lazy and negative about whether or not I'd get in.  I keep telling myself that its easier to just not apply than to be rejected.  Stop it. Sit down and get to work.
  2. Being single is fun, and I'm single because I want to be.  FUCK THAT! No it isn't, no it isn't, no it isn't. No I'm not, no I'm not, no I'm not. Each time something doesn't work, I chalk it up to be another reason to build up yet another phony wall in front of myself.  I'd rather be the "cool and unattached" girl than actually look someone in the eyes and tell them that they have the power to completely ruin me.  Similar to the grad school app drama, I'd rather not try than be rejected.  But doesn't this hurt more? Being alone? Hitting trees and scraping up my knuckles in order to feel something?
  3. If I want to leave my job, it has to be because I'm leaving the country. Okay now this one doesn't even come close to making sense. When I write it down I can already see how ludicrous it sounds but I can't bring myself to not believe it.  My soul has been sold to Locals, and even though I could easily work somewhere else (even if it is a pay cut), I have a really hard time seeing that as an option.  But hello, it is.
  4. My friend circle is suffering here because there are just less people to be friends with. No, wrong again. My friend circle in NH is suffering because of two reasons: first, sometimes people outgrow each other, and that is ok, and second, friendship is a reciprocal relationship, and I can't expect to get back something I don't give out. Aka, I need to get out of my own head for a while and get into the world. Make connections. So many lovely people, I just need to dedicate my time to loving them, and what a wild notion, maybe I have to go out and find them.
  5. I'm not worth much, and I'm not special. Ouch. Ouch ouch ouch. This one hurt to write down.  And hurts to try and disprove.  I don't know how old I was when I convinced myself that I wasn't enough.  Middle school? Earlier? I've inherently become my own worst enemy; my biggest critique.  Which is important for when you're trying to improve, but deadly for when you're trying to be happy. So here goes nothing. I AM worth something and I FUCKING AM special.  I love things really hard; I'm passionate and patient; I'm generous and devoted; I'm (aaaaghhhhhhh) pretty and my body is beautiful as it is; I'm an able and valuable sister, friend, daughter, aunt, figure skater, coach, teacher, and worker; I make a difference. (Literally squirmed while writing this, why does self-love feel so foreign and unnatural?)

So here I am, sitting outside on my rickety picnic table, ridden with spiders and dirt, saying no to myself.  I will not be ruled by the lies that I tell myself. This is my FUCKING life, and its up to me how I fuck it up, not the little voices that are constantly telling me what I can and cannot do.  With today being July 7, I'm officially vowing to write at least once a day until August.  If inspiration won't come to me, then I'll go out and find it.  Two sentences or a thousand, I'm going to take charge. And write. And keep writing until everything makes sense, because everything is going to be okay in the end, and if its not okay, then its not the end.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

It's ok to ask for help.


Living abroad has been (and continues to be) an ever changing adventure.  I find myself in awe most days of how lucky I am; how much my hard work has paid off. That being said, I hit a bit of a rough patch in December.  And it slowed me down. A lot. I found myself yearning for NH and my family, not only because I was homesick, but because I was accustomed to being able to lean on those close to me whenever I stumbled into a funk.  I've created a great friend circle here in Madrid, but they couldn't provide the same familiar comfort that I needed at the time.

I then made a conscious decision to lean exclusively on myself. I pushed people away, stayed in my apartment as often as I could, and counted down the days until I headed home for my holiday break. In a fragile state, I boarded my plane back to the states for a 2-week trip that I had presumed would be therapeutic. I had created an image in my head of a perfect oasis, and I was unprepared for the possibility of any alternative scenario. 


Unsurprisingly, life doesn't always come wrapped in a pretty package. Reality is not always organized, and 9 times out of 10, the things that happen to us and those we love don't make any sense. Upon reentry into my American life, I realized that the same demons I was fighting with in Madrid existed inside my old life as well, in my favorite cafes and bars, in my friendships, and even in my childhood home.  They weren't something that existed exclusively in external ways in Madrid, they were something that lived inside of me. 

Just a few days into being home, I learned of the tragic passing of my college boyfriend's father, a strong, caring, and seemingly indestructible man. I was hit with an unbelievably deep amount of sorrow for not just his passing, but for the empty place it was going to leave in his family's life. Combining this pain with an unexpected announcement from my sister, and with my own detrimental thoughts, I started to spiral. It quickly became clear that leaning exclusively on myself wouldn't keep me afloat. I returned to Madrid feeling lost.

Through and odd series of events, I found myself composing an email to a therapist in Madrid, asking for help. I felt silly when I walked into her office for the first time. Used to being able to handle everything myself, I entered denying that I needed help, and downplaying how hollow I was feeling. Within 20 minutes, I was crying so hard that I could no longer speak. I had spent so long trying to be my own hero, that I had become blind to the fact that it was ok to ask for help; it was normal to need guidance. It only makes us human to have ups and downs, and needing someone to lean on doesn't make us weak, it makes us honest.  Its been difficult to admit that I'm unable to stay afloat through every storm, but asking for help made me realize that if I ride the waves, they will eventually pass. 

I've been actively seeing a therapist for 2 months now, and though she can only listen and give advice, realizing I can admit my weaknesses has made me stronger.  I learned that the more I try to hide from my demons, the louder they get. Getting over the stigmas of therapy and the difficulty of opening up has been tough, but trying to pretend everything is ok when it isn't is tougher.  From a better, happier, healthier place, I can confidently say, it's ok to ask for help.


Sunday, January 4, 2015

On Going "Home"

There is something special about returning to the roost after months away.  Getting to relive your old routines, seeing friendly faces, being able to sink back into your comfort zone… The list goes on.  I've experienced this feeling several times now, whether it was returning from college, my study abroad to Barcelona, or my more recent 2013 Euro-trip. This time has felt different though, because it is all so t e m p o r a r y.  Yeah, I got a long two weeks of friends, family, and various people from my past, but I've had to physically hold myself back from acclimating to my life in the US.  I've been straining myself to not become too comfortable, because I've known that I am going back to Madrid in a short matter of time, and for much longer this go around.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Madrid, but it doesn't have the same qualities of the home I've known for so many years.  I'm sure that given enough time, it would blossom into the homey place I've been craving, but for the time being, it still feels kinda foreign.

So here I am, 5 hours from leaving for the airport, and I feel uneasy.  Not because I'm unhappy about going back to Madrid or that I feel I have more to accomplish in NH, but because I don't know how I feel about abandoning this "homey" feeling. I know all the sayings, "life begins at the end of your comfort zone," yadda yadda yadda.  I get it.  If you're not willing to let yourself feel uneasy, you'll never grow, but being too uneasy can be stunting too.


A lot has changed since I returned home almost two weeks ago.  I celebrated Christmas (among other things…) with my family, I rang in a new year with old friends, I reconnected with my college sweetheart (under circumstances that I wish could have been better), and I gave endless hugs that probably lasted too long to people I have grown to love over the past several years.  This time tomorrow I'll be back in Madrid with my hodge-podge of a Spanish family planning what we will take on over the next 6 months.  I'll be breaking the news that my plan has changed and I will only be spending one year abroad, instead of the two (or infinity) I had previously thought about.  I'll get back into the classroom with the students that I've grown so fond of over the past few months. And hopefully, I'll be starting to become proficient in god damn Spanish. 

I know that once I get back to Spain I'll remember how much I missed it, and I'll settle into my groove of working and exploring.  I know that spending the next 6 months wandering through Europe will be freeing and will open my eyes to the beauties of the world, but I can't deny that I won't miss my little po-dunk town in good ol' New Hampshire.  Sure, New Hampshire isn't home to centuries old impressionist artists, the blue city blocks of Chefchaouen, or the natural springs of Budapest, but it has some of the best people I've even known, and for me, thats all I'll ever need.








Monday, October 6, 2014

I'm Back! Lo Siento!


In lieu of having a brief blogging break, I have not had a break from the chaos of relocating abroad.  Though the chaos has been a mix of good and bad things, I am burnt out on the most basic of issues that I am continually facing here.  The fact that every time I try to change the water bill into my name I am faced with Spanish speakers on the phone who, upon being told that my Spanish is not great, will only speak FASTER (because that obviously will help me to understand what is being said).  And this catapults into my landlord –who I did not realize lives in COLUMBIA- spewing into the phone nonsense about the water bill not being in my name (even when I repeatedly ask for him to email me, because, I can’t speak fucking Spanish on the phone!). All the while, attempting to deal with all of this while having ZERO access to Internet except for the shitty data I have on my phone here.  I think in a past life I must have upset the internet gods because I am constantly dealing with an alarming amount of bullshit from companies who claim to have great customer rapport and speedy service (Comcast and Orange, this ones for you).  Despite setting my Internet up 3 weeks ago, I have yet to have a visit from a technician.  And of course, this technician literally plugs in the router that I’ve had sitting on my floor for almost a month, and then calls Orange and says, “Ok, turn on the service!” Why I can’t do this myself is baffling.  And every time I call I get an identical response of, “Looks like the deadline for getting it set up is approaching so you can expect a call soon!”  Clearly the word “deadline” has a looser translation in Spanish than it does in English.  Luckily (luckily?), I’ve had a lot of other chaos to distract me from these daily life annoyances.  Since my last post I settled into my new apartment, took an amazing weekend trip to San Sebastian, started working in a bilingual Spanish school, and went on my first date with a Spanish guy.


First off, VACATION! From the vacation I was already having… My Madrileña friend Rocio had invited me to go to San Sebastian with her the last week in September, and then about 30 friends that are also working as Auxiliars in Madrid invited me to do the same. So, YAHTZEE! I could say yes to both! The trip started off with my train buddy missing our 8am departure, and ended with the same friend losing her phone and us then tracking it through the not-so-scenic areas of the city, where we promptly found it ditched in a trash can next to a guy who had been the blinking dot on our map… The middle part though was unreal.  The scenic views, the pintxos, the sandy beaches, the WINE, and of course, the company.  We spent our days sunbathing, touring, and hiking, and our nights drinking with our toes either in the sand or in heels dancing to our hearts content.  Coming home from this trip was hard because it marked not only the end of a beautiful getaway, but also the end of spending our days together having fun. It meant the beginning of our jobs in schools scattered in an hour radius around Madrid.  Nonetheless, we had to start this chapter eventually.


On October 1, I officially started my career as an Auxiliar, aka an English Language and Culture Assistant.  Though I only work 16 hours of classes/week, my schedule is Tuesday-Friday from 9am-4pm (talk about a long lunch…). I woke up on my first day, headed out of my apartment bright and early at 7:30am, boarded a nearly empty metro, and made my first (of what will be many) 1-hour commutes to work.  Due to the fact that the sunrises around 8/8:30am now, I like to consider my hour commute to be another hour of sleep, and when I stagger out of the metro at 8:30am, my day is actually starting.  With literally no idea of what I was walking into, I wandered into a familiar feeling school surrounded by palm trees, murals, and hoards of children screaming and giggling in a slur of Spanish and laughter.  I found myself in the teacher’s lounge where I met another American auxiliar who had worked in this school the year prior.  Shortly thereafter, we were joined by a third Irish auxiliar, and finally, by our director, Pat.  Within 30 seconds of meeting her, I knew I would grow to love her and the English team at the school.  She let us know that the fourth auxiliar was having surgery and wouldn’t arrive until November at the earliest, and for that reason our schedules would be jumbled for the first month.  So I’ve been wishing on shooting stars, sleeping with a spoon under my pillow, and learning to pray, so that I might not have such a wonky day full of breaks that are far too long.  My lunches range from 2-3 hours in length and are followed by one 45-minute class before I can go home.  And some mornings I teach for an hour, then have an hour and a half break before one more hour of teaching, followed by 2 hours lunch.  The term “condensed schedule” has the equivalent of winning the jackpot to an auxiliar, and of course, I don’t tend to ever have the lottery-winning kind of luck that some of my friends are blessed with.


Regardless of the not-so-desirable schedule, I lucked out with two awesome teachers to work with.  I spend about two-thirds of my time with Miss Mary-Jo (the English version of her Spanish name, Maria Jose) in two third grade classrooms, and the other third of my time with Miss Africa in two fifth grade classrooms.  Mary-Jo reminds me of teachers I have had in the past, who laugh and smile and throw their hands on their hips when they’re annoyed.  She plays games, is patient, and seems very human, which is sometimes a hard quality to find in a teacher.  Africa is young (I think younger than me) and brings a fresh vibe to her classroom.  She uses a lot of the teaching techniques that I remember learning in school.  I was impressed by the energy both of them, along with the other English teachers, bring to the school.  After hearing countless stories of teachers who only work out of the textbook, it was refreshing to see teachers who cared about their students.  Alongside my teachers, I teach the students language arts, science, and art, all in English.  The array of children is shockingly similar to those I’ve taught in the states: they are kind, witty, curious, mischievous, funny, and unique. Some need more help than others, and some need more work than others.  The kids who finish first and those plotted to finish last are equally likely to become a distraction to those in the middle.  I’ll be excited to see what the teachers decide to implement for behavior control in the classroom and how much I’ll get to experiment with from my work at home.  All in all, I have an interesting year ahead.


Back to the home front, I settled nicely into my new apartment.  All it took was two exhausting trips to Ikea, several visits to Chinos that were crammed with junk (Chino is the, I SWEAR, official term for shops that are the equivalent to a 7-Eleven or Rite-Aid back home), and a few stops into the funky shops on my street that I’ve already grown to love (Hema, Tiger, Høsten, and so many more). With a minimally furnished apartment, a terrace above a wood fired pizza oven (hello to never needing air fresheners!), a handful of friends living within a 3 block radius, and internet (hopefully) on the way, I’m starting to feel a lot more at home in this far-from-home place.


Now, onto what you’ve all been actually reading for: my first Spanish date. The week before leaving for San Sebastian, my friends and I all felt that it was utterly necessary to go out every night as a final hurrah in Madrid before school started.  Our first stop of the week was Independance, a Madrid club that hosts a weekly event called “Fuckin’ Mondays.”  The name should have been a warning enough that the night might take on a mind of its own, but we paid our 5€ anyways.  Inside there was a lovely pit for dancing that was covered in broken glass, and two bars with lines that were far too long. Alongside my friend who was equally smitten with Spanish men, I elbowed myself to the front of the bar.  Within moments we were both pounced on by Argentinian men. Overwhelmed by their slurred Spanish and the strong drink in my hand, I backed off and motioned over towards a safe corner of the bar. In my recluse I sipped on my vodka-something, laughed at the drunken dance moves in the pit, and tried to decide what to make of the night.  Enter David (dah-veed): tall, quiet, and seemingly innocuous.  Feeling the effects from my mystery drink, I was given an entirely new Spanish confidence.  I was suddenly fluent (or so I thought). In hindsight, I think he was laughing because I was making zero sense, and not because I was correctly conjugating verbs into witty jokes.  We chatted for either 5 minutes or 30, still not sure.  All I remember is suddenly realizing how late it was and how tired I had become.  I gave him my number, hopped into a cab alongside my friend, and slept until noon.  I awoke to an entirely Spanish text, which roughly translated to, “are you who I am looking for? I spoke to a girl last night and I want to see her again.” Uhhhh, maybe? Sure? I should also admit here that I didn’t know his name, and I wouldn’t find it out until we had already been on 2 dates and I texted to ask how he spelled his name.  Due to the fact that he isn’t an idiot and his name is fucking DAVID, he caught on immediately to the fact that the issue was not the spelling, and was actually my lack of memory from god damn stupid fuckin’ Mondays.  Back to the good stuff… We met up two days later, and shockingly, did not recognize each other immediately.  This was either because we were drunk when we met, because I had a quarter life crisis and dyed my hair brown the next day, or a combination of the two.  Likely the latter.  We spoke primarily in Spanish, with spurts of English, or better yet, Spanglish.  I learned that he grew up near Santander (the northern coast of Spain) in a pueblo with around 30 people.  I found out that his shaggy hair used to be a ponytail that matched his parents and siblings, but being a “city boy” he was the first to cut it off.  I realized we were both fans of cold weather and low-key nights.  And I also came to the realization that communication is infinitely harder when your native language isn’t shared.  After two dates, I don’t know that we will be able to navigate this cross-cultural relationship, but my god, is it fun to figure out.  The number of things that were lost in translation, or perdido en traducción, was staggering, but the number of constants between languages and countries was surprising.  David has promised a picture the next time we meet that will either be the first of many or the one reminder of my first Spanish date. Either way, entwining my life in every aspect of Spanish life has been a rollercoaster and I’ve only been here one month. 

So, for a corny ending to a post that started in a sour rant, here’s a little Mark Twain…

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.  So throw off throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

The Unloading Begins

It has been a relaxing / fun / anxious / sad / exciting / cleansing weekend.  Yesterday was my final hurrah in good ol' NH, and today, I arrived in Madrid.  It was with a heavy heart that I said a (temporary) goodbye to my home for the past 2 and a half years. Portsmouth taught me more about who I am and what kind of person I can be than I ever thought a place was capable of.  I built relationships with amazing people that I hope can withstand the test of time that so many relationships in the past have failed.  I've realized the importance of hard work, kicking back, and soaking it all in with the good company. 

I spent the past few days meeting horses named Zeus, shooting handguns and assault rifles at plastic cans (oh my god, feel the power), drinking on the decks of Portsmouth with friends and family, and packing my life into boxes.

Today, the unloading begins. Whether it be the suitcases I've lugged across airports and city streets, or the memories I've tucked into my back pocket for a day I'm feeling lonely. Today, the next chapter of my life begins, and though I know its going to be rocky at first and there will likely be a few bumps along the way, I won't let myself regret anything.  I won't look back 10 years from now and ask, "what if?" I'll be damned if I let life slip through my fingers without taking it for all its got.  Madrid, here I come.

¡Hasta luego!

The Charmer: Zeus

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Packing, Packing, aaand… More Packing.

I'm quickly becoming an expert at prioritizing.  My current mindset being: if I haven't used it in the past 6 weeks, I'll likely never use it again.  This is the first time a move has involved putting the majority of my belongings into storage for a year.  Normally, I throw all of my useless belongings into trash bags, lug them across town/state lines, and then unpack them, all the while wondering, "why do I own this?" This time however, oh my god, I'm discovering how difficult it really is to group things into the categories of: 1. I need this in Spain / 2. I'll want this when I return home / and 3. This should be donated or thrown out, without losing my mind.  I leave in 7 days, and even though I'm making steady headway, I'm completely overwhelmed with forcing myself to let go of old items in order to make space for my future adventures.  Its been eye-opening to see how emotionally attached I am to useless items.  Tossing the purple fold-up sunglasses I wore to Mardi Gras my freshman year of college shouldn't ignite such a storm of old memories.  Donating the crummy t-shirts I won at a UVM hockey game shouldn't bring to me tears.  Condensing my life into boxes is helping me to prioritize my memories; to sort out the fond, painful, and funny into knick-knacks. Becoming a traveler means finding ways to make memories that can fit into my back pocket without weighing me down.  I'm slowly learning how to move forward without having to leave everything I love behind.

Monday, August 25, 2014

¡Salud!

The countdown is more-than-officially on.  I'm essentially done with work, I'm about halfway done packing (obviously an exaggeration…), and every errand I'm currently doing is somehow related to my rapidly approaching departure date.  My motivation is at an all time low, and the only things keeping me moving are watching my roommate pack up her life, seeing pictures of other auxiliaries that are already in Madrid, and the need to accomplish my pre-departure bucket list.

Whelp, #1 is officially complete.  I made it to a Red Sox game, got drunk on Bud Lights and booze I smuggled inside of my bra, and watched the Sox lose.  I sunburned my face, got an ever-so-slight farmers tan, threw peanut shells on the floor, and scrambled through the stands to find a friend on the other side of the stadium.  Dan won the horse race (I'll explain later), Jenna double-fisted, Jeff's baby blue eyes were complimented by a 300 lb man with a snake tattoo around his calf, Libby discovered the delicious combination of fenway lemonade + honey whiskey + cleavage sweat, and I contemplated every possible marry-fuck-kill combination for my friends (and sox players). Needless to say, it was one of the most American, inappropriate, and entertaining Sundays I've had in a long time.  Slept like a rock and woke up ready for round 2.

Next up: Lobster Dinner & "Music" in the park (aka the movie Frozen…best I could do).

Sunday, May 26, 2013

One Year.


It's crazy how much can change in a year.  Not just where I am, but who I am, how I see the world, and how the world sees me.  I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, trying to use my past to figure out what I want to do with the next 5 years of my life.  I've come to realize that my experiences may have made me who I am, but they don't have to decide who I will become.  Things I might have enjoyed one year ago may not effect me in the same way today.  And the opposite rings true too, things that hurt me a year ago may not sting the same way now.  Life has to make at least a little bit of sense (right?!), so I feel that the cards were dealt this way for a reason.  Not trying to get all fate and destiny obsessed, but there has to be some logical explanation for the timing of things, for the way that life can change.

Maybe a year ago I wasn't ready to open my eyes yet.  One year ago I was packing up my little one-bedroom apartment in Burlington, a recent UVM grad, an aimless 22-year-old.  I was preparing for the next chapter.  I thought I would be back in Portsmouth for 6 months at most.  I found myself clinging onto tiny arbitrary things, and maybe clinging onto people I should've let go.  I didn't want to move on from the little safe and comfortable life I had created in Vermont.  One year later, I'm still, much to my surprise, in Portsmouth.  Though I'm freer now.  I feel like my skin finally fits.  I'm no longer in a tug-of-war with myself.  Do I know what I want to do with the rest of my life, god no, but do I feel like I'm in a place to start making those choices, (probably) yes.

Life has a funny way of revealing itself, and I'm starting to peel back the layers; starting to unearth myself.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

"Adulthood:" Part I


Quite simply, I want an answer, but quite frankly, theres no fun in an easy outcome. 
Welcome to Adulthood: Part I.
To be continued.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Not Actually Related to Blueberries


So, this post doesn't have anything to do with blueberries, but they seemed to fit the bill for my mood.  Not completely sure of what I mean by that? Something along the lines of being content but not quite satisfied. I feel like this line is one that too many of us dance upon: being content with dissatisfaction.  I find myself listening to a lot of people complain or grumble about their lives, which I don't mind because I like to help people out, but I also loathe because I wish I had the power to make them move on.

Aaand here is where I find myself feeling dissatisfied.  

I feel like I'm constantly playing it safe, being a people pleaser, talking myself out of things, making up excuses for other people, and the list goes on.  It's exhausting! So much valuable energy is being wasted on unproductive tasks.  On paper it seems really simple to just readjust how I spend my time, and then ta-da! I'm more satisfied.  In the real world, it feels a lot harder.  What am I supposed to do when so-and-so lists off another reason and apology for why they blew me off again? Yell at them, move on, forget them? It just doesn't feel like something I would do, but then again, I'm trying to move towards a better self, right?  

Sorry to get so heavy, I'm just trying to figure it all out.  Making sense of the world has turned into such a daunting task.  Some days I feel like its easier to play dumb and act like everything is completely comprehendible and logical, even though thats definitely not the case.

Jumping back to a year ago, I was living in Barcelona with a group of 43 strangers.  I found myself the most content and satisfied I've ever been.  There was no point in making excuses for people, because there was no history between (almost) any of us.  There was no time to make excuses, because days flew by.  I constantly find myself wanting to relive this experience, and not only the location (unbeatable) or the people (definitely unbeatable), but the sensation.  The freedom to do and say what you want without repercussions.  Maybe there is just an illusion of consequence back home, but it feels so much more real than it did 3,600 miles away in Europe.

In all, the point of this rambling is that I need to surround myself with new/positive people.  I was somewhat inspired to come to this conclusion by a friend from Spain who had a similar realization.  I miss not only the people from my summer abroad, but the almost instant depth that was created in the friendships.  No one was in Barcelona to complain, be sad, or talk behind each other's backs (and if they were, I was too enamored by Spain to notice).   They were all there to have a good time with other good people, and we (I believe) wanted the best for each other.  I would apologize for being super sappy, but I've decided to not do that anymore.  While I'm worried that people reading this will be thinking about how corny I am, or how glummy this post sounds, I also take comfort in that the people making fun of this post are people I don't want to spend time with anyways.

So, cheers to finding satisfaction and being happy!

p.s. if you haven't been to Spain, make time to go, you won't regret it (even if you're robbed of two wallets, a cell phone, a pair of glasses... and your dignity once or twice).


Rooftop overlooking Las Ramblas in Barcelona, Espana
View after climbing a hill/mountain in Begur, Espana

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

What Now?


Okay, so, graduation happened.  It was teary, emotional, sweaty, and a serious reality check.  I’m supposed to do things with my life now! Make grown up decisions, find a real job, start saving money!  In an effort to (continue to) avoid this realization, I drank a LOT, procrastinated on packing up my little apartment, and ate solely take-out.  Seemed like a healthy way to distract myself (at the time)…
Now that I’ve come to the end of this absurdly long bender, I’m craving healthy food, good sleep, and new adventures.  Though these adventures may take place with my parent’s house as the home base, I’m excited.  Mom and pops are great roomies! They have free parking, a washer & dryer, and a yard; all the things that I missed while living in good ol’ Vermont.  Plus, they’re pretty great company.
I’m thinking that this summer will be prime time to actually get to the nitty gritty of planning for all of these adventures I’ve been ranting about.  I don’t want to settle in one place for too long.  Too many places to see, people to meet, pictures to take and food to eat to stay put in one place!  The nitty gritty mostly involves money, which was to be expected, but I’ve heard being risky and creative will get you the farthest.  Not eat-from-trash-cans risky, but more like explore-without-a-set-plan risky. The risky moves might be hard, because I’ve always been such a planner, but the creative part is what I’m excited for. As I come up with new ways to travel for cheap, I’ll be sure to keep track and share. 
Next post will most likely be after the journey back to New Hampshire, and it will (hopefully) include some good eats or healthy treats.