So, this post doesn't have anything to do with blueberries, but they seemed to fit the bill for my mood. Not completely sure of what I mean by that? Something along the lines of being content but not quite satisfied. I feel like this line is one that too many of us dance upon: being content with dissatisfaction. I find myself listening to a lot of people complain or grumble about their lives, which I don't mind because I like to help people out, but I also loathe because I wish I had the power to make them move on.
Aaand here is where I find myself feeling dissatisfied.
I feel like I'm constantly playing it safe, being a people pleaser, talking myself out of things, making up excuses for other people, and the list goes on. It's exhausting! So much valuable energy is being wasted on unproductive tasks. On paper it seems really simple to just readjust how I spend my time, and then ta-da! I'm more satisfied. In the real world, it feels a lot harder. What am I supposed to do when so-and-so lists off another reason and apology for why they blew me off again? Yell at them, move on, forget them? It just doesn't feel like something I would do, but then again, I'm trying to move towards a better self, right?
Sorry to get so heavy, I'm just trying to figure it all out. Making sense of the world has turned into such a daunting task. Some days I feel like its easier to play dumb and act like everything is completely comprehendible and logical, even though thats definitely not the case.
Jumping back to a year ago, I was living in Barcelona with a group of 43 strangers. I found myself the most content and satisfied I've ever been. There was no point in making excuses for people, because there was no history between (almost) any of us. There was no time to make excuses, because days flew by. I constantly find myself wanting to relive this experience, and not only the location (unbeatable) or the people (definitely unbeatable), but the sensation. The freedom to do and say what you want without repercussions. Maybe there is just an illusion of consequence back home, but it feels so much more real than it did 3,600 miles away in Europe.
In all, the point of this rambling is that I need to surround myself with new/positive people. I was somewhat inspired to come to this conclusion by a friend from Spain who had a similar realization. I miss not only the people from my summer abroad, but the almost instant depth that was created in the friendships. No one was in Barcelona to complain, be sad, or talk behind each other's backs (and if they were, I was too enamored by Spain to notice). They were all there to have a good time with other good people, and we (I believe) wanted the best for each other. I would apologize for being super sappy, but I've decided to not do that anymore. While I'm worried that people reading this will be thinking about how corny I am, or how glummy this post sounds, I also take comfort in that the people making fun of this post are people I don't want to spend time with anyways.
So, cheers to finding satisfaction and being happy!
p.s. if you haven't been to Spain, make time to go, you won't regret it (even if you're robbed of two wallets, a cell phone, a pair of glasses... and your dignity once or twice).
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| Rooftop overlooking Las Ramblas in Barcelona, Espana |
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| View after climbing a hill/mountain in Begur, Espana |
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