Relationship Status: It's Complicated

My love life hasn't exactly been booming lately. Hell, it hasn't really been doing anything lately.  I'd be lying if I said I had some hot new boyfriend.  Or if I said I had a boyfriend at all. Ha, I'm lucky to have consistent male contact, and most of that is thanks to my male regulars at the bar.  And if those guys counted as boyfriends, then my love life might be something worth reading about.  So, on that note, read on at your own risk.  Not promising much. But definitely promising that you won't be able to get the next 10 minutes of your life back. You've been warned.

Ended a very long (& often tumultuous) relationship just over a year ago. Finally started feeling recovered as of late, and decided to jump back into the dating pool.  To my dismay, it is MUCH harder to find a "normal" relationship now than it was 5 years ago. In college, everyone had the same schedule, similar priorities, and was in the same age bracket.  Made life pretty simple. Meet someone in your dorm, end up in the same class with them, and then date them for the rest of college...  There. Done. Relationship status: Normal.  Now, everyone is ALL over the place, myself included.  After several failed attempts to put myself out there, I decided to make a list of what I was looking for in a guy.  This is the revised version:

Depressing? Kinda. Realistic? I f*cking hope so.  If there isn't anyone out there that can meet 3/4 of the things on this list, then I'm looking at a long future of dating my body pillow (which hasn't actually been thaat bad).  

Here is the censored version of the last 3 guys I've dated (or attempted to date), all of whom have not lived up to this glamorous list.

1: Forever-a-Bachelor-Guy: Made me dinner, took me out for drinks, super funny. Great guy all around!  Until I asked him if we were exclusive, and I got a long, drawn out, "Ummm, thats not really what I'm looking for right now." What? Then why do nice things for me? And why wait so long to tell me that? Missing #3 & #10.

2: Recently-Discovered-Alcohol-Guy: Wow! This one was an experience.  If I was good at staying up until 6am and getting completely sloshed daily, then this would've been a PERFECT relationship. But. I'm not. Missing: A lot of #s.

3: Mr-Nice-Guy: Very gentlemanly, thoughtful and (what the f*ck), normal! Didn't know this breed still existed.  Issue is, theres always something that makes them unattainable, like a crazy schedule. And a constant need to be a "good guy." Missing: #10 (and maybe #12, not sure, uh-oh).

Lesson learned from dating these three gems: Stop dating? Seems to be the only solution that would keep me from being disappointed. My male regulars at the bar (aka my only consistent male contact) are often telling me nice things. Boosting my confidence.  Keeping my standards "high" (in quotations because I don't feel like my list above qualifies as high standards).  And maybe for now thats all I need.  Some best friends to get drunk with, a body pillow to spoon with, and a few harmless male friends who will tell me nice things.  This might be a snapshot of the modern twenty-something relationship: twisted and perverted, but fulfilling.

Therefore, my current relationship status: It's (really f*cking) complicated. And I'm feeling pretty okay with it. 

Per usual, I got kinda lazy by the end of this post, and the only two things I forgot to cover are as follows:

• Caught myself looking for a wedding ring on someone's hand at the bar the other day.  What has gotten into me? Am I that old already? That marriage is a plausible reason for someone to be out of my dating pool?! Terrifying. At least I was at a bar when this happened. If I start perusing the local community center for eligible bachelors, someone please slap me.
• Word to the guys that are (probably not) reading this: When you break up with a girl me (screw it, this one's personal), don't tell me that I'm "really great" and that you "really liked me." If those things were true, then we'd still be dating.  I would rather have you tell me that I'm a lunatic, I'd probably be more understanding. I've been called crazy before, I'm used to it.  Most people notice sooner or later, so just be honest about coming to the realization.  Or just tell me that I'm not your type, or that you're getting back with your ex, or that you never wanted to date me in the first place. Just don't tell me that I'm great. Makes no sense. No logic there. About as believable as throwing out an ice-cream cone because it "tasted delicious." Not cool.

To sum up this rambling nonsense, I'd like to clarify that I'm completely fine.  Whenever something shitty happens in my love life, I get treated like a psych-ward patient.  If I can make fun of my bad luck, then everyone else should be able to too.  This shit is funny! And probably 99% my fault! Best thing that anyone reading this can do is sit back, crack open a beer, and watch it unfold. I know thats what I'm going to do.  All luck turns around eventually, so why not enjoy the show (and blog about it)?