How to Make Coffee

Step 1: Realize how unbelievably exhausted you are.
Step 2: Boil water.
Step 3: Contemplate what tasks you should try to accomplish with your few hours of freedom. Decide to do none of them.
Step 4: Add ground coffee and hot water to french press.
Step 5: Go to the bathroom. Bring your cell phone with you and accidentally spend 10 minutes scrolling through Instagram.
Step 6: Press coffee. Also, realize that you made enough for three people even though you're solo.
Step 7: Drink 1 cup coffee while scalding hot. Look at tongue in mirror to make sure it hasn't fallen off.
Step 8: Chug the next two cups of coffee, lukewarm, so as not to be wasteful. While chugging, change clothes 10 times before finding the outfit you hate the least.
Step 9: Stumble into your day still exhausted but awkwardly over caffeinated.
Step 10: Make everyone around you uncomfortable with eye contact that lasts a little too long.

Prius Etiquette 101

1. Pull into gas stations and clean your windshield, but don't fill up. Because 50+ miles to the gallon. Whaaaduuuuppp.
2. Have a playlist of hip-hop/rap at the ready for red lights on hot days.  Who's bumping Tupac? Oh its me. In the gray Prius. With the baby seat in the back. Hello.
3. Pass sports cars whenever possible, solely so you can watch their sense of masculinity diminish.
4. Drive real slow through downtown strips, and whistle at all the cuties. Wait for the look of disappointment when they see you in a hybrid. Photograph reactions if possible.
5. Scare the shit out of people in parking lots as you cruise by at zero decibels.  Silent. But. Deadly (not really, but lets pretend together).
6. Drive 100 miles roundtrip on $5 or less. This is actually something to be jealous of. Seriously.
7. Finally, sleep soundly knowing that you aren't putting the same carbon footprint into the world that you used to in your Toyota 4Runner. Even though your current car is significantly less badass.  People have made bigger downgrades. In regards to cars and significant other.

And goodnight.

Late Night Nonsense

So I said I would post everyday until August, and technically its already Sunday, but it still feels like Saturday because I just got home from work. Sooooo, I'm tired, smell like blue cheese dressing and spilt beer, and am watching Always Sunny in order to fall asleep. Apologies in advance.

First Up: My new dating mantra... The D.E.N.N.I.S. System. Flawless. Fucking flawless! Except for maybe instead of separate entirely at the end I should have "Suck in forever." You just got Molly-zoned! Boom!

And second up: Beach/Concert/Public Drinking prep... Lotion bottle alcohol! Why have I ever looked anywhere other than Always Sunny for life advice?!

So, I'd like to promise that tomorrow's post will be better, but I work open-close so you're probably going to get something similarly disappointing. Buena suerte to us all!

Goonight

The New Stalker Forum: LinkedIn

So I have a bad habit of google searching guys that I'm interested in. I like to figure out their back story so I know what I'm up against. Crazy (but usually gorgeous) ex-girlfriend, found her, likely stalked her too to be honest. Impressive employment history, jealous of it. Live with your parents, not a secret anymore (also, jealous of it). Weird and uncomfortable habits (i.e. World of Warcraft addict, into sending FarmVille invites, super love Trump- or worse yet Ben Carson) are no longer private anymore.  One of the toughest parts of these internet escapades is pretending that I didn't take part in them.  I have to act surprised when a guy tells me that he spent a year working in a school in Colombia, or when he confesses that he only recently got out of a relationship (c'mon, you think I didn't know that already?!). I have to feign excitement when they tell me that, they too, are fans of traveling and drinking dark beers.
Enter adulthood: the land of careers and networking. And LinkedIn! God damn LinkedIn.  So quick and easy to see what a guy is about! Or any person for that matter! I search their name, view their profile, and BOOM, employment interests, history, and so much more are at my fingertips. It's like a mecca for seeing the adult side of someone. Combined with facebook, instagram, the news clip from their high school basketball team winning the championship, and that website they created for their college tech class, I've got the full picture.

Well, I recently discovered that some people get FUCKING NOTIFICATIONS WHEN YOU VIEW THEIR PROFILE. Oh my god. What the actual fuck! Not only does this challenge the possibility for future creeping, but it means that so many people must know by now what a complete creep I am! Like, I assume other people creep too, but I've gotten frighteningly good at it. Well, no, actually, clearly I haven't gotten good because I'm only just recently realizing this startling info. Uuuuugh.
I guess that the moral high-road take away from this would be to get to know people in person instead of taking tabs on the online, but instead I'm just gonna sneak this link in here: http://www.socialtalent.co/blog/how-to-stalk-people-on-linkedin-in-private. You're welcome.
Also, if any of you people who possibly stumble across this blog know of any other creeping outlets, please let me know.
And if any of my male interests stumble upon this page, I'm honestly sorry.  The internet has been my enemy for the past few years, including self-diagnosing, creeping, over analyzing, and researching instead of doing. I swear I'm not really that much of a creep, just trying to find your arrest logs before I become a subset name on one of them (aaaaaaand I also want to know the name of the band you joined in 9th grade).

A Harsh Humble Brag (i.e. an argument between the voices in my head)

Insert sappy, sunset photo to elicit the feels.

So its been, what, 9 months since I've sat down and written anything? Clearly I went down the "bartend until I wither from lack of mental stimulation" route that I had warned about in my last post.  And fuck, it feels fucking terrible! Money is fine, my schedule is essentially my own to make, but god am I miserable.  Stress from work has somehow found a way to encroach on any happiness I find.  Now, thats not to say that I'm not just a miserable s-o-b, but somehow whenever I'm specifically in this line of work, at the same restaurant, everything feels "bleh." Do you know that I punched a tree last night? A fucking tree! Why? Because I felt like someone had injected novocaine into my entire life and it was all just kinda floating, out of my control. So what did I do? While walking home, I wound up, and punched the absolute shit out of a big bad tree.  Spoiler alert, the only thing that happened was that my hand was kinda sore after. Tree... still a tree. Life... still the same. But maybe it was a wake-up call to take some control over my happiness.  So here we go. I'm gonna start by obliterating the lies that I keep telling myself:

1. Grad school apps are just so lengthy, that its taking me a while to complete them. BULLSHIT! I'm being lazy and negative about whether or not I'd get in.  I keep telling myself that its easier to just not apply than to be rejected.  Stop it. Sit down and get to work.
2. Being single is fun, and I'm single because I want to be.  FUCK THAT! No it isn't, no it isn't, no it isn't. No I'm not, no I'm not, no I'm not. Each time something doesn't work, I chalk it up to be another reason to build up yet another phony wall in front of myself.  I'd rather be the "cool and unattached" girl than actually look someone in the eyes and tell them that they have the power to completely ruin me.  Similar to the grad school app drama, I'd rather not try than be rejected.  But doesn't this hurt more? Being alone? Hitting trees and scraping up my knuckles in order to feel something?
3. If I want to leave my job, it has to be because I'm leaving the country. Okay now this one doesn't even come close to making sense. When I write it down I can already see how ludicrous it sounds but I can't bring myself to not believe it.  My soul has been sold to Locals, and even though I could easily work somewhere else (even if it is a pay cut), I have a really hard time seeing that as an option.  But hello, it is.
4. My friend circle is suffering here because there are just less people to be friends with. No, wrong again. My friend circle in NH is suffering because of two reasons: first, sometimes people outgrow each other, and that is ok, and second, friendship is a reciprocal relationship, and I can't expect to get back something I don't give out. Aka, I need to get out of my own head for a while and get into the world. Make connections. So many lovely people, I just need to dedicate my time to loving them, and what a wild notion, maybe I have to go out and find them.
5. I'm not worth much, and I'm not special. Ouch. Ouch ouch ouch. This one hurt to write down.  And hurts to try and disprove.  I don't know how old I was when I convinced myself that I wasn't enough.  Middle school? Earlier? I've inherently become my own worst enemy; my biggest critique.  Which is important for when you're trying to improve, but deadly for when you're trying to be happy. So here goes nothing. I AM worth something and I FUCKING AM special.  I love things really hard; I'm passionate and patient; I'm generous and devoted; I'm (aaaaghhhhhhh) pretty and my body is beautiful as it is; I'm an able and valuable sister, friend, daughter, aunt, figure skater, coach, teacher, and worker; I make a difference. (Literally squirmed while writing this, why does self-love feel so foreign and unnatural?)

So here I am, sitting outside on my rickety picnic table, ridden with spiders and dirt, saying no to myself.  I will not be ruled by the lies that I tell myself. This is my FUCKING life, and its up to me how I fuck it up, not the little voices that are constantly telling me what I can and cannot do.  With today being July 7, I'm officially vowing to write at least once a day until August.  If inspiration won't come to me, then I'll go out and find it.  Two sentences or a thousand, I'm going to take charge. And write. And keep writing until everything makes sense, because everything is going to be okay in the end, and if its not okay, then its not the end.